Heartbreak

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance

Knowing this, we are aware that there will be times when our hearts hurt and break. Each of us has experienced that heart break in one form or another. Thinking back on your life, what makes your heart break, and why?

And that is this week's question from Christian Women Online and like many of the previous ones, I have to stop and think about what I want to say. Not because I have had my heart broken so many times that I can't choose, because that hasn't happened and I do count myself fortunate in that respect. What it does mean though is that I have to dig a bit further back into my own history to try and think of something that makes (or made) my heart break.

Of course, there are the little upsets that every one has, such being let down by a friend; or the more painful events like the death of a grandparent, but while those events did upset me and cause me to cry or be a bit morose for a while, I can't say that they broke my heart because those are simply life's hard knocks and you learn a bit about yourself each time they happen and generally they make you a better person for it.

However, I don't think that I have ever had the breaking down sobbing kind of hurt that this question seems to be asking about. Not unless you consider the time that my parents left me at my boarding school for the very first time at the age of about 12 - I seem to remember that I was very busy at first being shown around and unpacking and stuff like that I didn't have time to think about it, but I also remember that it didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't going to see my family for a couple of weeks and that this would be my life for the next six or seven years.

Oh dearie me, I was devastated, but I soon made friends and settled in to the daily life of school. All though out my school life I didn't like the end of school holidays and I would get grumpy and twitchy and want to drag out the leaving home for as long as possible. It is a memory that I can accept these days because that school was the best place for me at the time as it catered to deaf children and so I got the best education possible and so I can't really say my heart was broken, but I still didn't like going back to school! ;-)

It has taken me a long time to accept any kind of goodbyes with equanimity as I expect that subconsciously I associated them with going back to school. I am glad to say that I am fine with it now, in fact, I recall telling Mum off a few months back for leaving too quickly because she thought that I still didn't like goodbyes - well, she knows that I have gotten over all of that now; so much so that I don't even mind if Dad comes up to the car to wave me off - this was one of my trigger points as Dad would always seem to be more emotional about the whole thing, which set me off of course!!

Forgiveness

What is one of your favorite attributes of God, and why?

This is the first directly religious question that has been posed on the Christian Women Online blog - Internet Cafe Devotions - and I feel slightly uncomfortable about answering it.

Why? Because I still have that hang-up from school where it was quite distinctly uncool to be seen as anything even vaguely religious, whether that be Christian, Muslim, Jewish or whatever else there is. So, I still feel reluctant to be quite so open about talking about my own Christianity unless I am with people of similar beliefs and as there are so many of you out there that have such wide ranging beliefs and convictions I still don't quite want to stand out quite so obviously!

This is not a Faith Blog, it is a Me Blog and is about my thoughts and happenings, which includes being more accepting about who I am and what I think, do and believe, which is how I can admit that I don't really want to talk about this because it makes me uncomfortable. But that's okay because I know that God will forgive me; and that is the attribute that I think makes God God because He knows what I am like (even though I am working on it!) and yet He still forgives me!

If you want to read how other people have answered the question, just click on the link above for Internet Cafe Devotions and scroll down a bit!

Advice

If you could go back in time to a pivotal point in your young life and give yourself one word/sentence of advice, and know that you would accept the advice, what would it be?

That is this week's question from Cafe Devotions (see side bar for button for more questions and other people's answers) and this is one that took a bit of pondering, which does make sense as it wouldn't be worth doing something like this if it didn't make me think!

My first thought was that this question was about regret and wishing that you could go back to that moment in your life when you could change something and as I feel that regret is a wasted emotion I didn't quite know where to begin with this question. I have to point out here that although that is what I feel, I do still have the odd regret here and there as I am only human, but I do believe that you have to live your life as it is rather than bewail the fact that you didn't (or did) do something a few years ago.

So, I had to think a bit harder for this one and have decided that this is about a lesson that took rather longer to learn than expected! And boy, do I have a lesson that took longer to learn than it should have done!

I used to stutter (or stammer if you prefer!), in fact, I still do when I am extremely tired or nervous. But as I grow older and more confident in myself, it doesn't matter that I stutter and so the stuttering actually lessens. You see, this "affliction" is vicious because the more one thinks about it the worse it gets, the more one tenses ahead of a trigger word the worse it gets.

As a teenager, this was painful and I would avoid certain situations if it meant that I didn't have to say anything (more to a group of people than to close friends I mean). I would think of different words in place in the one that I really wanted to say - fortunately it usually worked and I never let it get quite as far as saying "the thing with four legs that goes under the table", but it got close!! I can say that with a smile on my face now and a slight, wry shake of my head, but as a teenager, it really was agony.

Then, I don't quite know when or how it happened, but I decided that it wasn't going to bother me any longer. There was no magic moment or sudden realisation, but I suppose that it occurred to me over a few years (through university and my first few years at work) that it didn't matter any more, if people couldn't wait to hear what I had to say then that was their problem. And as such, the tension built up in my speaking has virtually disappeared and so I rarely stutter these days.

Today this means that I can speak in front of about 100 students, I still shake in my boots and get all nervous and occasionally get all tangled up in my words, but.....it no longer bothers me as I have something to say and you're going to listen!!

So, if I could go back to my teenage self and give myself one word of advice then it would be about this particular issue. What would I say though? Well, this is another matter as what teenager is going to listen to an adult on the subject of something that causes personal terror!

Well, I think that it would have to be "trust in yourself and let it go" as I needed to learn to trust myself that I would say what I needed to say and that it really doesn't matter. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I believe that I am there now.

Lies

This week's question from Christian Women Online is...

What are some lies out in the world (secular views) today about women that contradict what God says in His word about how women should be/act? Diving a little deeper…What are some lies that are still out there in our Christian circles about women?

Hmmm, this is a question that I approach with caution for two reasons, firstly I am not as familiar with the Bible as this question suggests I should be; and secondly - despite the first reason I do know that there are sections of the Bible that we just would not dream of applying to modern life such as killing someone for working on the Sabbath (and I have to admit that I only know this because I watched the West Wing!)

My first thought is that the Bible was written in a vastly different era and while Christians should at least study it in order to develop a deeper understanding of their faith, I do not think that we should take it as written (!) that this is what God says. Which, I know, is a strange thing to say seeing as the Bible does form the basis of the Christian faith! But, what I do think that we need to remain aware of is that the Bible is God's word as interpreted by others, i.e. the patriarchal society that was in force when the Bible was written, and we need to reinterpret it according to today's society.

But that's getting off the subject! I think that one of the strongest secular views about women is that there is the perfect size for women, you know what I mean - women are denigrated for being too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too whatever! So how on earth are we supposed to know what the 'perfect' image is if we are bombarded from all directions that we are too something?

I am certain that there are others who could select better snippets from the Bible, but like I hinted above - I am just beginning to find my way around the Bible and my own faith, so here goes...in Isaiah 29:16 it says

Shall the potter be regarded as the clay? Shall the thing made say of its maker, "He did not make me"; or the thing formed say of the one who formed it, "He has no understanding"?

This to me completely throws out the general societal view that women should attain the perfect image, after all, who are we to say that God got it wrong by creating the tall or skinny or brunette or deaf or autistic or whatever else we may be! Okay, so I am not actually focusing on what the Bible specifically says about women, but the point is that there is no standard that we are held to other than we were made in his image as it says in Genesis.

I feel as though I could say a lot more about this, but then I get all tangled up in what I feel about this particular issue and how so many women (and men) deal with such emotional trauma because in the eyes of others they are not perfect or even attempt to attain a standard; when what we should really be doing is accepting each other for who we are rather than frowning at them because they have another biscuit or even frowning at them because they are picking at a salad and not eating enough!

Argh - like I said - I think I could waffle on for a books worth on the subject, so I will leave it at the point that there is no such thing as the perfect image and that there are far more important things in life to worry about!

another ponder

What is a positive tradition or godly character trait that you learned from your extended family that you hope to pass down to your own family?

Given that last week's thought to ponder was about negative traits, I shouldn't be too surprised that this week's is about the positive! This one is slightly different though as it includes the extended family rather than just the generational line, so I think that this about seeing the positive wherever you find it and then encouraging your own family to emulate those behaviours.

Of course, this then raises the issue of just what the extended family is!? As the "extended" family is such a subjective term I think that I will leave that one alone and concentrate on the question that was actually asked!! As I think about this subject I begin to realise that it is surprisingly hard to think positively about myself because as many people will know - it is easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

I also think that it is quite hard to unpick what you do and where it came from because I think that if we are fortunate we are molded by more than one person so I think that it is not a case of identifying one tradition or character trait that you can actually pin down to one person! If we take the case of education as a positive tradition, my parents have always encouraged me to study, my teachers have opened my mind, my classmates challenged my thinking, and so on.

But, taking the same example, I can say that Pops (Dad's Dad) is the person that comes to mind when I think of life-long education because right up to the end he always had a pile of books from the public library - a pile that was usually evenly balanced between fiction and non-fiction as he was always interested in learning more, knowing more, and understanding more. I can picture him now, sat in his chair, pipe in his mouth, by the window with the books stacked up on the windowsill so that he could read in comfort whilst being able to look out at his beloved garden.

Along with many other positive traits, I hope, this is one that I would like the younger members of my family to absorb. This constant interest in the world around us, this eagerness to understand history, investigate science, delve into philosophy, in fact - anything! Just because compulsory education ends at 16 it doesn't mean that we should stop learning, but how many of us pick up a book that's non-fiction, how many of us watch something on television that's not drama!? (and, more to the point, enjoy it!)

More pondering

What is one habit, negative pattern, or sin that has been passed down your family line from generation to generation that you do not want to pass down to your own family line? What steps are you taking to make sure the habit, pattern or sin is not repeated in your own family?

The thought to ponder this week from the Christian Women Online blog comes with a qualifier - "this question is not meant to condemn anyone, but to hopefully bring about a positive change in your family’s life", which supposedly makes it a bit easier to talk about a negative habit or pattern.

I find this a very difficult question to ponder because each generation is so different. In fact I think that my parents had already decided not to bring up the four of us the way that they were brought up, so I don't think that I can really say anything about previous generations and pick up on something that has been "passed down" the family line.

However, I do procrastinate (as has been mentioned on this blog before) as does my Dad! I don't have any children to try and discourage from this habit, but if I did then this is one of the major things about myself that I would hope not pass on! Dad and I have spoken about this a couple of times and we both know how bad procrastination makes us feel because the longer we put something off the worse we feel, both for not having done something and for having it still hanging over our heads.

Procrastination can cover anything, from the smallest task to the largest, and as Dad and I both know, it can be a vicious cycle because the longer we put something off the worst it gets as the task eventually takes on gargantuan proportions and gets put off for even longer because of how bad it makes us feel. This is not something I would wish on anyone; and the sad thing is that both Dad and I know how much better we feel when we just get on and do something, and yet neither of us seems to know how to break out of that cycle.

Like I said, I don't have children to avoid passing this on to, so that question doesn't really arise, but if it did then I'd like to think that I would teach by example, or perhaps be forced to teach by example as children are no respecters of procrastination! You do what you have to do otherwise family life falls apart when the laundry starts stacking up!

As my life is just me and the cat there is no-one that is affected by my procrastination, but then I have to think "yes there is - me!" It is a funny thing to say and may sound a bit egotist, but I AM affected by my procrastination as it makes me moody and grumpy, so I have a duty to myself not to indulge in self-defeating behaviours, but it is so hard to do and I think that it will be a work in progress for the rest of my life. However, they do say that in order to overcome something you need to understand it and I think that I am getting there with all this pondering on my blog!

Thoughts to ponder

I am quite aware that my blog is a bit shallow at times, I mean...just writing about what I do or see or take photos of isn't going to be very revealing is it!? So I think that it is about time that I did a bit more thinking about things like my youngest brother who ponders everything!

So......I have just started reading Christian Women Online and they have a new feature in the form of a weekly meme via their internet devotions page, although strictly speaking I wouldn't call it a meme, but nevertheless it should give me a few things to ponder on each week.

And this weeks thought? What is the greatest lesson you learned from your mother or a mum-like figure in your life?

Clearly this is tied-in with Mothers Day over in America as today is the American celebration of Mother's Day - the British day was back in March when I was in Australia and I am horrified to think that I can't actually remember whether I left a card with Dad or not!

Anyway - the greatest lesson learned from Mum? This is a tough one because, as I am sure it is with most mothers, she had (still has!) many lessons to give me! However, I think that the main thing that I have learnt from Mum is determination or perhaps that should be persistence!

Let me explain, after bringing up the four of us (which takes a lot of persistence I am sure!), Mum went back to work and established a whole new career for herself as a teacher of severely disabled children which in itself takes a lot of persistence and determination as she helps those children find a way to communicate their needs instead of taking out their frustration on everybody (you should see the bite marks on Mum sometimes!).

I know that I could not work with such disabled children myself, but I love talking to Mum about her "kids" and I love seeing Mum get all excited about a seemingly small yet huge step forward that one of them has taken. What I never forget though is the sheer determination that this takes on Mum's part as it is never just a case of demonstrating what to do, but going through the same small step over and over and over again until the child makes that link and then begins to do it for themselves.

It never takes days either, but months to achieve and understanding in the child's mind that this particular picture card means something and that if they hand it over without prompting then they can have it. These children are extremely autistic or very severely disabled and lack the means to communicate verbally, so any way they can communicate is such a huge leap and must be so profoundly rewarding for Mum, but not without persistence and determination.

I am sure Mum wont mind me saying this, but she has also shown me determination in getting healthy. Mum has lost over two stone in this last year without being silly and going all crazy about dieting and calorie counting but simply by eating sensibly and doing more exercise. This, I know, takes determination especially when Mum is like me and likes her chocolate too much! Mum has shown me that it is possible to lose weight sensibly and with determination, which is why I am now doing daft things like pulling a muscle whilst out running, but I have to say that I am now eleven pounds lighter than I was and this takes determination, which I am still learning even with Mum's example as Mum has clearly grasped a lesson that I have yet to learn...determination means keep trying, keep going, don't give up! Mum, I love you, but you know that!